Possessions: The Top 6 Paranormal Products on eBay Right Now
Halloween is just around the corner. And so it’s only fitting that Abnormal Use should take a moment to appreciate products from a spookier perspective. For your reading enjoyment, we present the following Top 6(66) haunted / possessed products, currently available at eBay. Who knows if they will lead to products litigation?
Number 6: Possessed / Haunted Ouija Board
Item No.: 280754565708
Price: $89.00
Bids: 0
Returns: 3 Days / Money Back
Ok, confession time. I have never personally played with a Ouija Board. But I have been present when Ouija Boards were broken out and played with. They blow my mind. I don’t understand them, and for the few times I’ve been present, there is no way the participants were moving the planchette. Also, I was way older than I should have been when I learned that Ouija was not spelled Weegee. Color me embarrassed.
Anyway, the reputation of Ouija Boards precedes them. Which should make for an easy sale of the Ouija Board at issue. Not so. As with most products, when it comes to making a sale, the art is in the pitch. Here, the pitch is lack-luster. The Ouija Board is allegedly possessed by the spirit of the seller’s friend’s dead husband. Yawn. We need more! Did the dead husband die a violent death? Was he involved in a murder / suicide? Did he get sucked into the Ouija Board by some spiritual accident? To justify dropping $100 on this board, I need to know more than the fact that some chick’s dead hubby is hanging out in limbo carrying on casual conversation with the living through a board game. Does he also haunt Scrabble? Or checkers? How about when the wife dies? Will she haunt Bunco? So many loose ends.
Also, as a final observation, if you’re going to sell something haunted / possessed, you really shouldn’t have a return policy. The cache with selling items of paranormal personal property is that you want them gone. It’s hard to maintain your credibility if you’re willing to offer a money back guarantee to folks who are not pleased with their haunting experience.
Number 5: “Paranormal Lucky Rabbit’s Foot”
Item No.: 150676485777
Price: $49.99
Bids: 0
Returns: Not Accepted
This item is exactly what you think it is. It’s a pink, fuzzy, rabbit’s foot key chain. Nothing spooky about that. Except that this key chain is “possibly haunted [or] possessed.” For $49.99 it better be! A regular, un-haunted, un-possessed rabbit’s foot key chain retails on eBay for $2.99. What on earth (or beyond) allows this particular item to command the paranormal premium? Unfortunately, the seller has no idea. By his own admission, he’s “unsure” of how to access the lucky aspects of the charm or “[h]ow they are brought about.” There’s not even a spooky story to go with the sales pitch. So, we’re left with an item that may or may not be haunted / possessed; and even if it is, there’s no user manual to tell us how to get at that dirty black magic.
So whose fault is that? According to the seller, it’s your own fault. “This item is only for the believers and enthusiasts of the paranormal world.” In other words, if you buy the item and you don’t have good luck, it’s user error. You’re not a true believer. And if you are a true believer, our seller asks, “[h]ow much is luck worth? Hundreds, thousands, millions? I wouldn’t know, but I’m going to start this auction at only $49.95.” The fact of the matter is that if the seller is able to pass off a rabbit’s foot at $50 apiece, he needs to hold onto it.
The more important question here is what haunts the rabbit’s foot? The seller never tells us. We can only presume it is the ghost of the rabbit that the foot used to be attached to. And if that’s the case, the rabbit was never really that lucky to begin with.
Number 4: Items from the Krausemueller Estate
Item 1: Haunted Possessed Devil Doll from the Gates of Hell
Item No.: 360401339932
Price: $999.00
Bids: 0
Returns: Not Accepted
Item 2: Haunted Spirit Possessed with Scrying Mirror–the Power to Alter Your Future!!!!
Item No.: 360401338813
Price: $499.00
Bids: 0
Returns: Not Accepted
These items get instant spooky-street cred just for the fact they are shipped from the “Krausemueller Estate.” In terms of frightening languages, German ranks right at the top. In fact, I will go so far as to say that German should become the official language of Halloween. For instance, compare and contrast: Trick or Treat vs. Suesses oder Saures. A kid that screams Trick or Treat has done just enough to earn a fun-size Snickers. A kid that screams Suesses oder Saures will have candy heaped upon him by frightened homeowners as “protection” from their homes being destroyed by Blitz-Saures.
But I digress. Additional respect goes out to the Krausemueller Estate crowd for teeing up their products with elaborate stories. The Devil Doll is alleged to cause visions of children being tortured. The scrying mirror . . . . well, I had to Google that. Apparently, scrying mirrors are used as media for psychic visions. The best example of this in popular culture is the game Bloody Mary. Anyway, the Krausemueller Estate has lengthy stories of how they came into possession of these demonic toys. It’s a fun read if you’re into that sort of thing.
Number 3: Haunted Paranormal Metaphysical Demonic Entity Possesses Doll Wicca Occult Djinn
Item No.: 330618918480
Price: $169.99
Bids: 0
Returns: None
Immediately, the prospective buyer is greeted by creepy music. That’s a subtle, yet classy touch. Additionally, the seller pitches his product with a pretty good story, which is appreciated. The story is even Halloweeny enough: “Over 20 different sounds have been heard that are very unearthly and rather demonic in nature.” But as you read on, you learn that the entity possessing this doll is not so much demonic in nature as he is just downright immature. “[The doll] likes to make obscene noises that resemble flatulence. No odours [sic] were noted.” Well that’s good news. Basically, this “demonic doll” is just the re-incarnation of the Ghost of College Roommates Past.
This seller adds a nice touch though. He includes a product warning and disclaimer of liability. “By bidding on this auction, you agree that the seller is not responsible for any paranormal activity that may or may not occur once the item is yours. . . . The law states that paranormal and metaphysical items are to be used for entertainment purposes only. We will not be held responsible for any result or activity which may arise.”
We’re not exactly sure of what law he’s referring to regarding disclaimers of paranormal and metaphysical activity. But if this whole selling evil dolls thing doesn’t work out, maybe he’s got a bright future in practicing law. There’s probably a niche for drafting paranormal or metaphysical contracts. The downside is that’s probably how he’d be paid, too.
Number 2: Haunted Vampire Doll Possessed with 3 Succubus Spirits!
Item No.: 187736191669
Price: $121.00 (Buy It Now for $227.11)
Bids: 0
Return: 3 Days / Merchandise Credit
Immediately upon opening the product description site, you know you’ve made a good choice coming here. Haunting music starts playing, and the first text you encounter is: “Warning: Never has there been a doll this active!!! If you cannot handle the doll, you must destroy it.” What’s so awful about this doll? Well, there’s a host of side-effects of doll-ownership that I can’t list because they are too crude for this website, even by my low standards. Here’s just a taste: “Do [other dolls] make you sleep walk and eat raw meat, even squeeze blood from a steak and then put in a glass to drink? . . . . You will feel this doll, hot and cold spots, have psychic communication, erotic visions, as well as poltergeist activities.” For other, more descriptive, hilarious descriptions of side-effects, I strongly encourage you to go check out the product page.
The descriptions alone would justify the high ranking on this very definitive, authoritative list. But there’s also good customer service. The seller provides specific product instructions on what to do if you do not want the evil doll / trio of succubi in your life. “You must wrap [the doll] in a white cloth and surround her with the sea salt I will send along.” Seems arbitrary, but if it’s effective, who am I to judge? Also, Holy Water is included in the price of purchase. Seriously.
Update: We could not link to this page because it appears to have been taken down. Let this be a lesson if you’re thinking about selling vampire erotica on eBay. You people know who you are. And I’m talking to you.
Number 1: Coconut Wood Rings
Item No. 1: Powerful Revenge and Unlimited Wishes Granted
Item No.: 110757656824
Price: $18.00
Bids: 1
Returns: 3 Days / Exchange Only
Item No. 2: Basilisk King Possessed Haunted Ring Extreme Protection–Grants Unlimited Wishes
Item No.: 110757657338
Price: $14.00
Bids: 0
Returns: 3 Days / Exchange Only
Item No. 3: Succubus Demon Possessed Haunting Ring Alters Your Body–Does Grant Endless Wishes
Item No.: 220875341981
Price: $14.00
Bids: 0
Returns: 3 Days / Exchange Only
Item No. 4: The Real Oni Demon Possessed Shapeshifter Power Haunted Ring of Unlimited Wishes
Item No.: 370549777273 / 250908436558 / 250908442903
Price: $14.00
Bids: 0
Returns: 3 Days / Exchange Only
If there were such a thing as the Crazy Scale, these items would bury the needle. Despite having different names / auction numbers, each of these items is the same: it’s a purple misshapen ring made out of coconut wood. The beauty of this product (and the reason it ranks so high on the list) is because of the descriptions. Sometimes, the ring derives its power from the great Egyptian Sphinx. Sometimes, the ring’s power comes from the lost Mayan city of B’aak. (If you’ve never heard of B’aak, don’t worry about it. Neither has Google.) Still other times, the power comes from a cult of Japanese cosmologists. Whatever, who cares where it comes from? The point is what these rings can do. Which is everything that is awesome. These rings will: (1) improve happiness; (2) improve sexual performance; (3) convey the secret of invisibility; (4) allow powerful revenge; (5) heighten your senses; (6) make you famous; (7) make you rich; (8) alter your physique; (9) increase your psychic ability; (10) allow you to summon genies and ghosts; (11) provide endless protection against all evil; (12) provide intense good luck; (13) allow attractiveness to radiate from your very soul; (14) prevent you from overeating; (15) slow the aging process; (16) give you a more positive outlook; (17) help you be aware and watch out for traps; (18) allow you to defeat your enemies; (19) ensure victory against all odds; and–I kid you not–(20) provide booty enhancement.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. If you had a ring that could allow you to conquer everything and give you a booty enhancement, why would you price it under $20? Why not charge, oh I don’t know, a bajillion dollars? The sellers will have you know that their religion of Sphinx worship / Japanese star-gazing / Mayan BS prevents them from charging unholy amounts of money for sharing secrets of universal success. These folks are like the Franciscan Monks of gawdy trinkets, taking a vow of poverty to bring you products that look bad and do nothing.
It also doesn’t help that according to the product information page, the rings are shipped from either the Planet Kashyyyk (which is where Chewbacca and other Wookiees from the Star Wars universe come from) or Enhasa (which is a city that exists only in the Super Nintendo game “Chrono Trigger,” circa 1995). I wish I were making any of this up.
For my coup de grace, I leave you with my favorite of all the haunted Halloween products. It is yet another coconut wood ring, the Haunted Ring Oni Demon Possessed Regaining Girlfriend / Boyfriend Wild Monkey Love.
Item No.: 370549773877
Price: $14.00
Bids: 0
Returns: 3 Days / Exchange Only
As with the other coconut-job rings above, this ring is powered by the Sphinx / Mayans / aliens / Illuminati / Atlantis. Among other things, this ring will: (1) allow you to regain lost love; (2) give you more money; (3) open a portal to the spirit world; (4) get you the man / woman that you want to love forever; and most incredibly (5) heal brain tumors.
In terms of product liability, there’s a lot of take-aways here. If you’re going to sell a piece of demonic property, it’s a good idea to include an appropriate warning and a disclaimer of liability. That way, when your evil doll comes to life and goes on a homicidal rampage, you can tee up assumption of risk as an affirmative defense. They can’t say you didn’t warn them! Perhaps the most important lesson is summed up in the phrase “Caveat Emptor,” especially when you consider its modern corollary from P.T. Barnum, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Christmas shopping to do. Rings and dolls for everyone. Happy Halloween to all. Seusses ober Saures!
