Colorado Inmate Stands Up For Dez Bryant, Cowboys Fans Everywhere (For Only $89 Billion)
It is the week of the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year, and we here at Abnormal Use are having trouble getting excited. It has nothing to do with our beloved Carolina Panthers bowing down to the Seahawks earlier in these playoffs. No, our excitement is subdued because this is the first Super Bowl in our memory involving two teams that arguably shouldn’t be there. The Patriots are marred by “Deflategate” paranoia. The Seahawks are technically scandal-free, but everyone knows the NFC champ would have been the Dallas Cowboys but for the overturn of Dez Bryant’s crucial fourth quarter catch against the Packers. The NFL won’t do anything to stop the injustice. Fortunately, Colorado inmate, Terry Hendrix, is not so constrained and has filed a lawsuit against the NFL, Commissioner Roger Goodell, and referee Gene Steratore seeking $88,987,654,321.88 over the abysmal call that kept the Cowboys out of the big game.
According to the complaint filed in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Texas, Hendrix, who apparently serves as counsel for “Dez Bryant, all Dallas Cowboys fans and all people in or from the sovereign republic of Texas,” is suing the defendants for negligence, breach of fiduciary duty, and “wreckless disregard.” He alleges that the video reversal of Bryant’s catch was “fraud, theft, and gross stupidity.” As a result, Hendrix claims that victory was clearly stolen from the plaintiffs because “the Cowboys’ offensive line would have perfectly created an ‘Autobahn’ for DeMarco Murray to drive into the endzone for the score and victory.” Obviously.
The Super Bowl is big business. The least the NFL can do is make sure the right teams make it to the big game. Like Hendrix said, the Cowboys obviously would have won but for the blown call (despite how they played the other 59 minutes). And, they obviously would have gone on the road to beat Seattle where the Packers couldn’t win even when Russell Wilson throws four interceptions. Just cancel the Super Bowl already and give the Cowboys the trophy.
Credit Hendrix for standing up for Bryant, the Cowboys, and the great state of Texas and trying to honor the integrity of the game. We are certain when he recovers $89 billion from the NFL, Hendrix will share it with them evenly.
